I don't think men are from Mars. I think they're from Whoville, where every year they align with the Grinch and band together to ruin Christmas. Each holiday, after thoughtfully deciding on, shopping for, and wrapping the perfect presents for my husband, I can't wait to see what he picked for me. I breathlessly anticipate tearing open the perfect romantic/sentimental gift, and every year I'm sorely disappointed.
I'm not alone.
Do they do it on purpose? Of course not. It's just that men hate the pressure of holiday shopping and would cut off their right arm to avoid it.
It shows.
We women, on the other hand, have high expectations because we put lots of thought into gift-giving. Throughout the year, we pick up on the little hints he drops and then do our darndest to make sure he has a wonderful holiday filled with everything his heart desires. To women, gifts have hidden meanings, and we try to decode them to understand how our guy feels about us. To men, buying us gifts is a necessary relationship evil, ranking right up there with attending our mother’s birthday party.
In the name of research, I asked random men plus a few guy friends whether they look forward to shopping for that special something that will thrill their wife or girlfriend, or whether they dread it more than, say, buying tampons. Read no further if you think there will be surprises. It was unanimous: Men hate holiday shopping. Yes, even the sweet guys, and, yes, even your man. Here’s what they said:
Peter: “I am in the bah humbug category."
“I hate shopping, period. I do try to be thoughtful but sometimes I'm more successful than others. Keep my name out of this, please. My wife reads your blog." Anonymous
Jason: “I enjoy it, but I can say this because I don’t currently have a girlfriend."
Ron: “The pressure I feel to outdo myself each year gets overwhelming. It is hard to keep being imaginative and thoughtful. Plus, guys like to buy practical things, but women don't seem to appreciate a new toaster for Christmas, even if they need one."
TJ: “I love shopping for my girlfriend. It's the wife who is the hardest. What do you get someone who buys everything she wants already? I get more mileage out of making her a gift from scratch. I use some construction paper, maybe a few cotton balls (for snowmen), some nice green and red crayon, BAM: instant romantic card.
Steve: “After 14 years of marriage I have learned the value of the gift certificate. The store is never out of them. Plus it gives my wife and kids a chance to get out of the house. She has a good time as long as the kids behave. And if they don't, she can't wait to get back to the house so it's like several gifts. Either way, I get time alone. I consider myself a very thoughtful husband."
Matt: “Yes, I hate shopping for my wife. Lingerie is returned for something more comfortable. Jewelry is greeted with an eye-roll if it isn't diamonds. Plus, it's hard to get creative at Christmas since you've been milked on birthdays, anniversaries, birth of children, etc. Shopping for the girlfriend, on the other hand, is much more enjoyable. Everything is met with wide eyes and glee. But I'm sure that will end over time also."
John: “Usually yes, I hate shopping. However, this year we have decided to give each other ideas (not necessarily a list) so it should be much easier. Of course there will be a few surprises thrown in. Over the years though, it has been a stressful time. I think that whole Mars & Venus comes into play. She wants cleaning to be easier... a new Shop Vac oughta help. Something we can enjoy together...doesn’t a plasma TV fit the bill?"
Jim: “I am not crazy about shopping generally, but I don’t really mind holiday shopping. I figure she puts up with my crap all year long, so it’s my chance to do something nice and let her know I appreciate her. Choosing something she’ll really like is tough sometimes, and the fact that I’m a world-class procrastinator doesn’t help things. I try to have some fairly definite ideas about what to get, and then hit the mall early, like 8:00 a.m., usually the Saturday before Christmas."
Also from Jim: “Cautionary tale about a guy I used to work with: He waited until Christmas Eve to go shopping for his wife, and when he tried to check out he discovered that she had already maxed out all their credit cards! Having no cash, he came home empty handed. He was in the maison-de-pooch for quite a while."
Dan: “My friend and I shop for our wives together every December 24. First, we hit a few bars. Then we hit some more. Just before the mall closes, we race in, buy whatever’s on the Gap mannequin in our wives’ size, and go back to drinking. Our wives get pretty pissed when they get the same outfit. But isn’t it the thought that counts?"
Girls’ Survival Strategy
So what’s a girl to do? Much as we hate it, the best way to get exactly what we want is to spell it out. List the URL or store location, price, color, size and SKU. This strategy ruins the surprise, sure, but at least you won’t end up with a wok or a CD of heavy metal monster ballads.
Another option is to have a good friend call your man and say, “Hey, if you’re stuck about what to get your wife/girlfriend this Christmas, we were shopping last week and she mentioned she’d love to have X. Thought you’d want to know."
Or, do as my friend Annie does and buy things for yourself, have them gift-wrapped, ship them to your home, and send him the bill.
Pointers for Men:
For men with women who refuse to tell them what they want, there are a few staples that make most women happy. They are: a beautiful full-length coat (hint: if she’s a vegan, skip the fur and leather), diamond or pearl jewelry, tickets to an island getaway or a gift certificate to her favorite clothing store. My best advice, much as men hate it, is to pay attention to her comments throughout the year. Has she mentioned a trendy restaurant she wants to try? Make reservations and stick a note in her stocking. Is she into jewelry? Freshwater cultured pearls are affordable and lovely. If you’re short on cash, get her a few books on subjects she’s into (the thought will melt her) or burn her a mix CD of songs that remind you of her. I wouldn’t attempt making her a homemade card, though, unless you’re planning on tucking tickets to St. Baarts inside.
One final thought: If you want to have a merry Christmas, avoid giving the following AT ALL COST:
- TVs (another gift that’s a thinly-disguised present for you)
- Tools
- Appliances
- Weight-loss books, tapes, magazines, gadgets, etc. Don’t even GO there, mister!
- Sports tickets (like you, we claim to love stuff we hate just to make you happy)
- Gift certificate for a makeover (obvious, obvious mistake) Good luck, guys. Try to stay out of the doghouse this year.
Do you hate to shop? Click 'comments' to tell us why, or weigh in on the worst gift you've ever received.
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